I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
