all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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