I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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