I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
