Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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