My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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