I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
