I need to stop coming to work sober
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
