Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
