Need sex. Gaining weight.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
