Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
