It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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