I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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