im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I smell stomach acid.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
