The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
