I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
