he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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