Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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