Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
