You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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