She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
