Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
