Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
