i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
