I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
