Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
