Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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