mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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