"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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