so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
