if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
