I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
