Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
