Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
