she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
