dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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