That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
