The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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