honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
