I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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