We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
