What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
