is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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