I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
