What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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