but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
