She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
