mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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