i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
