well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
