I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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